


Mac Has a Gay Crisis

by ChloShow (orphan_account)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-04
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-25 15:56:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/954998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ChloShow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac accidentally flirts with a man at the gym.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I after reading a couple IASIP fics, it struck me that conventional fic writing for this show might not fit w/the show's tone. Usually fics tell us what the character is thinking or expounds on things in some way. With It's Always Sunny, however, you know or will know every motivation/thought from the dialogue. Therefore, I wrote the intro to an episode in a script-type format. Enjoy!
> 
> (Also to give you a heads up, the non-con elements tag is referring to a comment Dennis will make in Chapter 12.)

[3:00 PM]

[various gym sounds]

[On a Tuesday]

[Philadelphia, PA]

CHARLIE  
[eating a bag of chips while sitting on a stationary bike]  
Ya know, man, maybe you should have a workout routine instead of just, I don’t—I don’t even know what you’re doing here. [gestures with chip in hand]

MAC  
[thrusting his arms, lunging, and doing typical bullshit karate moves]  
Well, _Charlie,_ if you knew anything about exercise, and you don’t, you’d know I’m currently working on my cardio.    
[stops bullshit workout]    
What are you even doing here anyway? All I’ve seen you do is take a nap on a yoga mat and wipe crumbs on the carpet.

CHARLIE  
[steps off bike and throws empty chip bag behind something]   
See, Frank just came back from the doctors and they said he probably only has 3 years to live judging by his incr _ed_ ibly clogged arteries or something.  So, he had a guy fake me a gym card to make sure I don’t end up like him.

MAC  
A fat, creepy drug addict.

CHARLIE  
Exactly his words, dude.  
[scanning the room absentmindedly]

MAC  
Charlie, if you want to get in shape, maybe you should actually do something other than--

CHARLIE  
[pointing to a fit, attractive man prepared to leave the building w/a duffle bag]  
Ehyyy, that guy’s pretty ripped, how bout you, uh, start whatever he’s doin?

MAC  
That’s not a bad idea.  
[jogs over to the man about 10 ft away]  
Hey, I was just wondering if you’d describe what workout routine you use because it certainly is working.   
[gestures at the man’s body]

MAN  
[reaches out to shake Mac’s hand; Mac accepts]   
Thanks…I’m Lawrence by the way.   
[Lawrence checks Mac out very, very obviously]  
How about I give you my number, and we can talk about it over lunch some time?  
[quickly scrawls his # and offers it]

MAC  
[takes it; is oblivious to Lawrence's meaning]  
Cool, I’ll talk to you later!   
[Mac waves goodbye and jogs back to Charlie; holds up the phone # and pops the paper proudly]

CHARLIE  
Mac.

MAC  
Hm?

CHARLIE  
You just flirted with that dude.

MAC  
No! No, no, no, no, no, he just gave me his number because I asked about his gym routine.  I’m not gay.

CHARLIE  
[gestures at paper w/# on it]  
I know, but _he_ is.

MAC  
[pauses in thought]  
Holy shit.

“Mac Has a Gay Crisis”

[theme music plays]


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac looks for a way to solve his situation.

Location: Mac’s apartment

Camera is on Dennis sitting on couch reading a magazine.    
A door closes and Dennis looks up to see Mac walking to his room.  
  
[“Honey Bunch” plays]

DENNIS  
[gestures to the bag in Mac’s hand]   
Hey, whatcha got there?

MAC  
[obscures bag slightly behind his back as to look unsuspicious but fails]   
Um, nothing just some groceries.

DENNIS rises from couch. MAC puts bag completely behind his back.

DENNIS  
[rolls his eyes and grabs for it]   
What’s the deal, man?

MAC  
[struggles to make up a story]   
They’re my groceries, and…I don’t want you to have any, so I’m just gonna hide them somewhere where you can’t—hey!   
[Dennis snatches bag away]

DENNIS  
[takes out “Colt” magazine]   
Oh my god. Really, Mac? Why did you waste your money on this awful gay porn?

MAC  
I, uh, it’s not—  
[tries very hard to make up a story. Fails.]   
[very dramatic, animated voice]   
I don’t know, man, I think I might have accidentally hit on a dude at the gym, and I feel like I don’t know myself anymore!   
[sits down in chair and puts hands on head]

DENNIS  
Hey, listen, this--  
[holds up magazine and tosses it across the room]   
\--isn’t going to answer any questions.  _Plenty_ of straight guys get off on gay porn…it’s just usually not that terrible.   
[winces in direction of magazine then back at Mac]

MAC  
Then what am I supposed to do? Bang a dude?   
[looks horrified]

DENNIS  
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there is plenty of middle ground between masturbating to gay porn and having gay sex.  
[leans against couch like he thinks he’s as smooth as Adonis or some shit]

MAC squints eyes and gets a little impatient.

DENNIS  
Okay, here’s the test that I used when I was at Penn.   
[rubs hands together and gestures toward MAC]   
Get really drunk and kiss a dude. Simple as that. You get your answer, and here’s the beauty of it: If you don’t like it, you can tell everybody it was because you were wasted!

MAC  
[thinks with his dramatic eyebrow]   
And you say you tried this?

DENNIS  
Yep.   
[smirks at his bogus genius]

MAC  
And?

DENNIS  
[smirk falls; brow narrows]   
And what?  Am _I_ gay? My sex tape collection should answer that for you.

MAC  
So where do I do this?

DENNIS  
Ah, yes, a nice controlled environment where you don’t accidentally kiss someone who will take advantage of you, so let’s say somewhere like Paddy’s.

MAC  
Dude, only homeless guys drink at our bar. Do you want me to kiss a homeless guy?   
[completely against the idea]

DENNIS  
[finishes a swig of beer and shakes head]   
Have you not been listening to me? The homeless are horny animals.  Just look at Cricket.   
[wrinkles nose]   
No, we need to fill our little hole in the wall pub with some first class men that will most likely never visit the bar again.   
[gestures with beer bottle]   
I’m thinkin we put an ad in front of the gym for a special discount night at Paddy’s this Wednesday.

MAC  
Alright!  
[he and Dennis nod in agreement]  
Let’s go fill our hole with some hot dudes!   
[leaves his seat and walks out of frame]

Background music becomes prevalent once more.

DENNIS considers Mac’s choice of words.

End scene.

Cut to: Paddy’s Pub.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will introduce the subplots like in any normal episode (i just hope i can make them as entertaining as the main one >.>)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone converges at the bar discussing Charlie's need for a workout routine and also the 15th Anniversary of Paddy's bar night the next day.

Shot: Paddy’s pub outer entrance.

DEE stands behind bar cleaning the tabletop.

DEE  
I don’t get why we have to be here on a Tuesday afternoon.  Only _losers_ decide to get schmammered at this time of day.

CHARLIE  
[ends a long swig of beer that began as Dee started talking; swallows]  
Yeah,  _los_ ers.  
[laughs]

DEE looks at him in disgust.

Enter FRANK.

FRANK  
Hey Charlie, you go to the gym today?

CHARLIE  
Yeah, but I mostly just ate chips and bothered Mac.   
[shrugs]   
Big deal.

FRANK  
“Big deal?” Charlie, we’ve got to improve your lifestyle like I said.  I tried that live fast die young shit, and now I’m a ticking time bomb. You still got time.

DEE  
Ehhhh, I think you were a time bomb well before you started doing recreational drugs and hanging out with bridge people.

CHARLIE nods in a ‘she has a point’ way.

FRANK  
Nobody asked you Deandra.

Enter MAC and DENNIS.

ALL  
[various greetings of ‘heyoo’ and whatnot]

MAC  
Just put the flyers up for the _15 th_Anniversary of the opening of Paddy’s.

DEE  
[incredulous]  
What? 

DENNIS  
Yes, tomorrow--   
[holds obnoxious green flyer]   
\--we will be serving half off beer from 8 until midnight!

DEE  
Oh, that would be great if it were actually the 15th Anniversary of _anything._

MAC  
Shut up, Dee.

FRANK nods and acknowledges his disrespect for DEE in agreeing with MAC.

CHARLIE  
Wait wait hold on. Does this apply for the owners of the bar as well?

DENNIS  
Does what apply?

MAC  
You don’t pay for your beer here, Charlie, so it wouldn’t matter.

CHARLIE  
Oh, I just thought, ah, what if there was an incentive for the owners of this long running establishment, too.

MAC  
First of all, you do jack shit around here, and secondly, _this flyer is a lie._

DENNIS _  
_Complete lie. __  


CHARLIE  
Oh.

MAC  
Got it?

CHARLIE  
Got it.  
 [thinks]   
What if—

ALL  
[groans]

DEE  
Goddammit, just go with Frank and get not obscenely unhealthy okay? 

CHARLIE goes to drink his beer.

DEE  
Okay.   
[snatches CHARLIE's beer away]

FRANK  
 Come on Charlie.

CHARLIE  
Alright.  
[slides off bar stool]

DEE  
[makes noise of protest at Mac and Dennis leaving her]   
You two better explain what the hell's going on.

DENNIS  
[disregards her statement]   
This bar needs to be decorated by tomorrow night, so you better jump on that, hm?

DEE  
Whaaaa--  
[high-pitched]  
[yells as they walk away]   
It’s not even a real event!

Cut to: FRANK and CHARLIE's apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really difficult to write the parts where they're all talking over each other because, according to the bloopers, they really do just make up some of the phrasing and shit with each take.


	4. Chapter 4

[“Coconut Shy” plays.]

Shot: FRANK and CHARLIE's apartment exterior.

FRANK is counting as if he were timing something and starts over before camera cuts to apartment interior.

CHARLIE tries to do a handstand.

FRANK  
One. Two--Come on Charlie, a 10-year-old girl has better balance than you!

CHARLIE  
[gets up off the floor]  
Balance just isn’t my thing. I’m more of uh, uh, an endurance dancer.

FRANK  
Endurance and coordination aren't all there is! You have to be _well rounded._ Where’s your strength? Where’s the _muscle?_

CHARLIE  
[points to his arms and brain]   
Got all the muscle I need.

FRANK  
[squinting]  
Okay, let’s try some pull-ups. Now whatcha gotta do--

CHARLIE, uninterested and confident in his knowledge and trying to prove himself, jumps eagerly at curtain rod to pull himself up.The sounds of struggle lead to the curtain rod and CHARLIE clattering to the floor.

Cut to:  DEE standing in her apartment when a phone rings.

 


	5. Chapter 5

DEE  
Yelloo.

MAC  
You’ve got the decorations for tomorrow night, right?

DEE  
Yep, I’m checking out right now.   
[sits on couch and turns on TV]

MAC  
Okay, we just need it to look legit because we put the signs out in front of the gym to attract some prime beefcake, and they’re gonna be expecting—

DEE  
[interest piqued]   
Prime beefcake, hm? How ‘bout I run to a couple more stores and call you back when I’m done, sound okay?   
[falsely polite voice]

MAC  
Whatever, Dee, just make sure it gets done and looks good.

DEE  
Something’ll look good, that’s for sure.

MAC has already hung up in the middle of her sentence.

DEE  
[temporarily angry then switches to feigned apathy]  
Doesn’t matter.  Didn’t need to hear my monologue anyway.

Cut to:  MAC hanging up the phone at dinner with DENNIS.


	6. Chapter 6

Setting: Dave and Busters at dinner time.

MAC and DENNIS have finished their meal.

DENNIS  
That’s how I can put my nutsack into other guys’ mouths without feeling gay. I’m comfortable in my sexuality.

MAC  
I see.

DENNIS  
So what I’m saying is if you don’t turn out to be gay, maybe you’re just uncomfortable with gayness in general.

MAC  
That doesn’t make sense. I dated Carmen and was fine with it.

DENNIS  
[frustrated]  
You were completely uncomfortable with the fact that she still had her dick and you made us think you were a serial killer!

MAC  
Well, that last part was your problem.  
[takes drink]

DENNIS angrily resigns himself.

WAITRESS  
[arrives at table]  
So, will this be separate or together?

[At same time]

MAC  
Together

DENNIS  
Separate.

DENNIS  
[grudgingly]  
Together.  
[waiting until WAITRESS walks away and throws hands up]  
Now she thinks this is a date. Way to go, dude.

MAC  
What happened to being comfortable with homosexuality, dude?

DENNIS  
This has nothing to do about putting your genitals into someone’s mouth!  She was hot, and now because you don’t know guy code, I strike out without even getting a chance to charm her.

MAC  
What part of this is guy code?

DENNIS  
[pissy]  
Okay, so say your buddy’s low on money.   
[Mac nods head]  
You say it’s separate, and when his card comes back declined, you offer to pay his bill.

MAC  
[skeptical]  
Are you sure? Are you sure that’s guy code? It sounds more like you’re trying to impress the waitress. 

DENNIS  
That’s just one aspect of it. The other part is having your pal’s back, and it just so happens that I always have enough money to pay my goddamn bill.  
[accusing Mac of being a broke loser friend]

Shot: Medium of MAC taking a drink and reacting to his comment.

Shot: Medium of DENNIS reacting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna put up chapter descriptions anymore because you've already got the gist of the episode, and chapter descriptions would just subtract from the flow of the work.


	7. Chapter 7

Setting: FRANK and CHARLIE's apartment.  Wednesday morning.

FRANK  
[enters the room and closes the door]   
Hey, Charlie, gotcha something for your diet!

CHARLIE  
[cooking one of those Kraft singles cheese slices on his hotplate]   
Aw, dude, no, no, I can’t do a diet.  I already have this system where, along with your standard vitamins, I eat the shittiest food I possibly can. That way my body’s immune system is extra strong.

FRANK  
[waves his hand in dismissal]   
No! These are diet _pills_. They’re for that future obesity you’ve got building up there.   
[hand with pill bottle gestures toward Charlie’s torso]

CHARLIE  
I’m not _fat._ I’m hus-I’m h _usky._ I have a _huskily built body._   _Plen_ ty of movie stars have my body type, bro.

FRANK  
[talking over Charlie]   
It’s just gonna make you more slim, get rid of that extra pudge you’ve acquired from getting wasted every day.  Name one movie star that looks like you.

CHARLIE  
[hands on hips looking into space]    
Uhhhehhhh, that Rudy guy, Rudy football guy.  He’s like my height and everything, and he’s even in the Lord of the Rings!

FRANK  
Do you really want to look like a short, dorky guy from a terrible, football movie?

CHARLIE  
Hold on, hold on.  You don’t insult Rudy.   
[Charlie holds out his hands like he’s counting off reasons on his fingers]   
 _He is an inspiration._

FRANK  
Whatever.

CHARLIE  
I cried during that movie, man.

FRANK  
[deep, gurgling scoff]   
Hah, is that really how I raised you, to be a cry baby?

CHARLIE  
[shouting]   
_I didn’t have a father, Frank, so I’ll cry about what I want. I’ll cry during Phil Collins songs. I’ll cry about my cheese burning right now.  
_ [starts to say something else then feigns crying but Frank interrupts him]

FRANK  
Alright, alright, sheesh, calm down.  All you gotta do is take one any time you get hungry, and it stops it so you can loose weight.

CHARLIE  
Wow, I’m hungry like all the time!    
[takes pill bottle, opens it and pop one in his mouth]    
I’m still hungry.

FRANK  
It’s not immediate; you’ve gotta wait a little, but it works.  I haven’t eaten in 2 days!

CHARLIE  
You do look thinner.   
[Frank spins around showing off his maybe 2 lbs of weight loss]   
You also look a little pale. You say you haven’t eaten _anything_?

FRANK  
Nope.  And I feel fine.

CHARLIE  
Ohp, starting to feel it now, aw man, yeah. I could get used to this!  

Cheese sizzles audibly in the background.

Cut to:  Paddy’s with DEE behind counter.


	8. Chapter 8

Enter MAC and DENNIS.

DENNIS  
Good morning, Dee. And might I say you are looking exceptionally--  
[Dee thinks it might be a compliment and gets happy]   
\--whorish this afternoon. 

MAC  
Yeah, does this have anything to do with all the hot guys that are gonna be in the bar tonight?

DENNIS  
Okay, I know we haven’t tested it yet, but I’m pretty sure you’re at least half gay.

DEE  
First of all, that’s called being a bisexual, and secondly, are you saying this amazing hot guy opportunity is to determine if Mac’s _gay?_   Come on, that could backfire in _so many ways._   
[laughs at them]

MAC  
There’s no such thing as bisexuality, Dee.

DENNIS  
Yeah, that’s just what girls say to seem more mysterious.

DEE  
[fake activist Dee from “Charlie Wants an Abortion” looks on in disgust]   
Artemis is bisexual!

DENNIS  
Ah, she’d say that wouldn’t she.

MAC  
Yeah, plus there weren’t any in the Bible, so…  
[thinking this is sufficient explanation]

DENNIS  
[adopts DEE’s skeptical, worried look]   
There weren’t dildos mentioned in the Bible either, but does that mean lonely Biblical era gay men didn’t have them? Anyway.  
[refocusing attention]   
Dee, to address your second point, we’ve got every detail planned out.

MAC  
First, I’m gonna get plastered.  Then Dennis here will choose what looks to be a drunk-enough gay dude for me to make-out with, and he’ll break it up if he thinks the guy is gonna take advantage of me or whenever he thinks I’ve had enough to be able to tell if I’m gay.

DEE  
[completely sarcastic]   
Yeahhhh, perfect plan. There’s no way that could go wrong at any point.

DENNIS  
Well, it won’t because I’m in charge.

DEE  
Just listen to yourself. When have any of your plans not resulted in 100% disaster?

MAC and DENNIS look at each other.

MAC  
Um, like all of them.

DENNIS  
I will admit we’ve had a few duds, but the successes far outweigh our semi-failures.

DEE  
Oh, oh, so you call buying trashcans of gasoline with _my_ life savings a ‘semi-failure.’

MAC  
I’d actually call that one of our better plans.  See, we didn’t waste any of _our_ money, _and_ we got to see a pretty kickass explosion.

DENNIS  
Eh, well, I do have a scar on my knee from where I jumped out of that rape van.

MAC  
You jumped out of a moving vehicle that was bound to explode.  What part of that story _wouldn’t_ impress chicks?

DEE stares on in disbelief.

DENNIS  
Ha, I guess you’re right there.

Enter CHARLIE followed by FRANK.

DEE  
You two look like shit.

FRANK  
And you look like a whore.

MAC  
Normally I wouldn’t agree with Dee, but you do look like hell.

CHARLIE  
It’s these awesome food pills we’ve been taking.  We’ll never have to eat again!

DEE  
What?

DENNIS  
You’re not making any sort of sense.

CHARLIE  
Well, see, Frank bought these diet pills to stop you from being hungry, and I haven’t been hungry all morning!

FRANK  
[out of breath]   
Haven’t eaten in two days.

CHARLIE  
Two days!

The Gang looks generally concerned.

MAC  
You do know you can’t just _stop_ eating, right?

DENNIS  
Yeah, I tried that not eating thing, and I fainted in the doctor’s office, so maybe, I don’t know, drink a beer at least. But I think we’re all ignoring the bigger problem here.   
[turns toward Dee]  
Why isn’t the bar decorated? 

MAC  
[angry]   
Yeah!  Dee, you told me you went shopping for decorations. The bar actually looks worse than before.  Look, there’s vomit over there!

FRANK  
S-sorry, that’s from me.  Just bile. It should mop right up.

The Gang stares at FRANK.

DEE  
[lifting some bags up from behind the counter]  
I  _did_ go shopping.  I used my Anniversary bonus to prepare for tonight.

DENNIS  
[looking in the bag]  
This is all clothes.  What is this, a new bra?

MAC  
We told you decorations for the  _bar_!

DENNIS  
And what is this about an  _Anniversary bonus_? 

DEE  
If you guys are having a fake Anniversary party, I'm at least giving myself an Anniversary bonus.

MAC  
Uhhh, who cares. This is really delaying our plans for me to get wasted, so Dee, you take care of Frank and Charlie and clean up the bar instead of adding make up to your whorish face, okay?

DENNIS waves and walks off with MAC.

Drool slips down CHARLIE's chin.

DEE  
[directed at CHARLIE]  
How many pills have you had? 

CHARLIE  
I dunno. Probably 3 so far.   
[eyes close and gestures vaguely]   
We’re fine, we’re fine just leave the decorating to me, I got it.

FRANK dry heaves.  More spit trails down CHARLIE's face.

DEE  
Let me see the pill bottle.   
[rounding the counter]

 

FRANK sort of takes the bottle out of his pocket but is pretty weak.

DEE  
Gimme that.  
[reading]   
All of this is in Spanish. What, are these _Columbian diet pills,_ Frank? Frank?!

FRANK  
[The second "Frank" gathers his attention]   
Huh? Yeah, they're perfectly safe. Got 'em from a buddy of mine.

DEE  
For the love of Christ, you two managed to make yourselves even more unhealthy. You know what? I don't care. I'm going to leave you two here and get the bare minimum of decorations, so don't move, just stay here, stay here.   
[leaves]

FRANK  
Hey, Charlie, wanna go to a strip joint to show off the work on our new physiques?

CHARLIE  
Yeah.  
[Both start heading out]   
I think that pull-up really recharged my abs.   
[flexing]

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

[“Glitterati Party”plays.]

DEE walks into bar w/bag of discounted St. Patrick’s Day shamrock banners.

DEE  
Okay you guys, help me get this over with--  
[sets bags on counter]  
\--so I can chat up really nice ripped men and—guys? Shit.

Cut to:  DENNIS and MAC drinking in the alley.

DENNIS  
How’s it comin'?

MAC  
Man, I’m not even close to wasted.  This is probably my daily average buzz.

DENNIS  
You mean you don’t go a day without drinking?

MAC  
[laughing]  
Do you?

DENNIS  
Well, no, when you put it like that. I just haven’t thought about—

Enter DEE.

DEE  
Have you seen Frank or Charlie? I need them to help me decorate the bar.

DENNIS  
What? I thought you were supposed to be watching over them.

MAC  
Yeah.  What have you _actually_ done today?

DEE  
For one, I just bought your stupid decorations for your stupid, fake party trap—

MAC  
Wait, wait, this party is not stupid.

DENNIS  
And it’s not even a party.  It’s a very delicate plan.

DEE  
[violent fed up sound]  
_I don’t care._ I don’t care about your plan or even if Mac’s gay or whatever. And now if Charlie and Frank aren't here to help tend bar, I'll be too busy to chat up any of the Grade A workout turkeys.

DENNIS  
Whoa, so the future of a man’s love life is less important than your whorish lifestyle? Nice to know your priorities, Dee.

DEE  
You know, I’m not dealing with you dickholes. Nope.  
[goes back inside, slamming the door]

MAC  
She really needs to learn to control her anger.

DENNIS  
Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t be the one talking about anger management.  Anyway, you are clearly not getting drunk quickly enough.

MAC  
Wanna switch to hard liquor? Let’s switch to hard liquor.

Both finish off their beers and throw the bottles against the far wall.

Cut to:  Strip club.


	10. Chapter 10

Enter FRANK and CHARLIE.

FRANK looks excited but tired, mostly tired.

CHARLIE  
[sweaty and pale]   
I was thinking…why are we here? _I_ haven’t lost any weight, and you probably need food to get an erection so.

FRANK  
I look good.  
[gesturing to himself then to CHARLIE]  
And you’re getting there. So we’re gonna charm ourselves some ladies.   
[rubbing hands together]

CHARLIE  
[sits in a chair]   
Dude, if we were picking up chicks, we should go to a bar or dancing or something.  We have to _pay_ for girls here.

FRANK  
No, I was gonna—was gonna--   
[retching cough]

CHARLIE  
Frank? Frank!  Here, take a food pill, it’ll help.   
[takes out a pill and shoves it FRANK’s mouth]

FRANK  
[spits it out]   
I can’t dry swallow!  What’s wrong with you?  I need a beer first.  Hey, sweet cheeks!

STRIPPER  
[approaches table]   
What can I do to help you two?

FRANK  
I just—  
[starts retching again]

STRIPPER  
Oh my God, is he okay?

CHARLIE  
Uh, ya see, my buddy here needs a beer so he can take his medicine.   
[retching escalates]

STRIPPER  
Should I call 911?

CHARLIE  
No, m’am, that won’t be necessary.  He just needs to take his food pill.   
[holds up pill]   
Look!  
[dry swallows pill]   
They give you strength and energy and--   
[dry heaves]   
Ha, sorry, it just got stuck there, ha.   
[dry heaves again]

FRANK passes out and falls off chair.

STRIPPER  
I’m getting the manager.   
[runs toward the back]

CHARLIE  
Ya don’t, ya don’t have to do that just some beer please.   
[really sweaty]  
It is really hot though, could you maybe turn the air up.    
[breathes heavily]   
[coughs and a medium amount of yellow liquid trickles down his chin onto the table]

Cut to:  Paddy’s Pub in the middle of the party.


	11. Chapter 11

Setting: Paddy’s Pub approx. 9:30 pm.

The bar is packed; DEE neglects customers to flirt with the cutest customers.

MAC is very drunk; DENNIS less so.

MAC  
I’m so ready for this, dude, let’s go.   
[drunkenly pretends to box]

DENNIS  
Whoa, there! It’s only been an hour and a half since this started; nobody’s going to be wasted enough to make-out with you yet.

MAC  
Are you saying no guy would go down on me normally?  I’ll have you know that plenty of men are attracted to me Dennis, including that one over there!   
[points to LAWRENCE chatting amicably with a group of friends]    
I have primo muscle mass.  I may be less of a bear than I used to be, but--  
[trips over his feet]

DENNIS  
Wait, what?  That guy isn’t even looking at you.

MAC  
He may not be looking at me now, but he gave me his number at the gym.   
[claps his hands in front of DENNIS’ face]

DENNIS shoves MAC's hands away from his face.

DENNIS  
Mac, if you know guys at the gym, then this isn’t going to be anonymous is it? Goddammit!  

MAC  
[isn’t paying attention; he’s staring around the bar with his eyes very squinted]   
He just looked at me.  I’m going over there, and I’ll shove my raw, animal magnetism in your face!

DENNIS  
He looked over here because you are shouting, you jackass!  You are not—  
[tries to hold MAC back]  
—I am in charge of this plan!    
[shouts after Mac]   
Whatever, fine, crash and burn without me.

Cut to:  DEE chatting up a hunk.

[phone rings]

MAN  
Uh, are you gonna get that?

DEE  
Hm?

MAN  
Your phone's ringing.

DEE  
Ahh, yeahhh, it does that sometimes.

DENNIS  
[offscreen]  
Dee, answer the goddamn phone already!

DEE  
[groan shrieks; to DENNIS]  
If you want it answered so bad, why don't you pick it up, you lazy shitdick!

DENNIS doesn't dignify this with a response.

DEE  
[to MAN]  
It's not like it's an emergency right?  Haha, excuse me just a second, would you?

DEE  
[angrily picking up the receiver]   
What do you want?

DOCTOR  
[played by Burn Gorman]   
Um, am I speaking with Deandra Reynolds?

DEE  
Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all goddamn night.

DOCTOR  
[limited patience w/her bc he’s working the night shift]   
Well, Ms. Reynolds, your father, Frank, has been hospitalized due to an overdose.

DEE  
First of all, Frank's not my father. 

DOCTOR  
[confused; doesn’t care]   
That may be so, but you're currently listed as his emergency contact. Furthermore, found with your father was a man named Charlie Kelly. His only contact information is a list of poorly drawn pictures with checkmarks and Xs next to them, so I might ask if you happen to know—

DEE  
Yeah, listen, I know the jerk.  They’re both alive right?

DOCTOR  
Yes, Ms. Reynolds, a—

DEE  
Alright, nice talking to ya.  I’ve got a bar to run and jerks to jerkoff.

DOCTOR  
Just—just-just a moment!  We need you to come down to Hahnemann hospital to fill out some paper work.

DEE  
Why? They’re not gonna die if I don’t fill out some paper work.   
[makes a sound to emphasize her incredulity]

DOCTOR  
 We’d prefer you be down here just in case they _do_ pass away.

DEE  
Fine, fine, I’ll be there. Get off my ass.   
[hangs up]   
Twat.

DOCTOR  
[hangs up phone]   
Twat.

Cut to: MAC and LAWRENCE.

MAC  
Helloooo there, handsome.   
[gets way too close]

LAWRENCE  
[backs up a little because Mac stinks]   
Oh, hey!  Should’ve expected you to be here.  There were _tons_ of fliers outside the gym.

MAC  
Pffft.  
[waves hand in dismissal]   
I own this bar, dude.   
[tries to take a drink from the empty beer bottle in his hand; gets confused]

LAWRENCE  
[realizes how drunk Mac really is]   
That’s cool, but listen, man, how many drinks have you had tonight?

MAC  
Tonight?  
[laughs]   
I’ve been drinking since this morning!  
[continues hysterically laughing]

LAWRENCE is very, very concerned.

Cut to: DEE walking up to DENNIS.

DEE  
Yo, you’re gonna have to take over for me.   
[pulling on her jacket]

DENNIS  
What? I can’t! I’m making sure that idiot doesn’t get himself punched in the face.  Actually, no, that would serve him right after he-- [turns in MAC’s direction]  
\--totally screwed me over.

DEE  
Scrub your gay plan! I have to go to the hospital. Frank and Charlie OD’d on Columbian diet pills, and I have to be there if those shitbrains die. 

DENNIS  
We told you to watch over them, and look what happens!

DEE  
Don’t pin their stupidity on me okay.  And don’t assume I want to leave either.  I’d love to chat up all these studs! That guy over there, Max, said that I _totally_ had the body to be a stunt double, and--  
[is going to continue describing all the hot men, but DENNIS doesn’t care and walks away]   
Oh—oh, you prick! Fine.

Cut to:  DENNIS approaching MAC and LAWRENCE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know that Burn Gorman was going to guest star in "Flowers for Charlie" 9x08, so I apologize for any discrepancies between this fic and canon. :p


	12. Chapter 12

DENNIS  
[clasps MAC on the back in a falsely cheery manner]  
Hey-ey-eyyy! How’s everything going over here?

LAWRENCE  
[pointing to MAC]  
I think your friend’s had way too much to drink.

MAC  
[high-pitched]  
What?  
[incoherent; drunk as DENNIS in “The Gang Gets Racist”]  
I’m—I could…I’ve got an iron liver. Beer me. Beer me!

DENNIS  
[talking over MAC’s incoherence]  
Your liver is probably 70% fat and 30% scarred, am I right?  
[laughs to try and break the tension, but no one laughs]

  
DENNIS takes a swig of beer to fill the awkward moment.

DENNIS  
Listen, I hear you’re interested in Mac. God knows what you see in this idiot.   
[laughs]  
But here’s your chance! Just take him in there--  
[points with beer to bathroom]   
\--or the back office and go to town!

LAWRENCE  
Let me get this straight. You’re asking me to assault your blackout drunk friend?  
[taken aback]

DENNIS  
Shit, no. Just go far enough to get the bastard out of the closet. And this—this is hardly blackout. He’s barely hit his brownout stage.

MAC braces himself against table and slides to the ground, passed out.

DENNIS  
Ahhh, dammit.


	13. Chapter 13

Shot:  Exterior of Hahnemann hospital.

Setting:  Waiting room in the ER of Hahnemann hospital.

DENNIS and DEE are seated next to each other in a near-empty room.

DENNIS  
Since when did Frank trust you more than me to make you his emergency contact?

DEE  
Since you’ve _explicitly stated_ that you in no way want to be responsible for that man’s life?

DENNIS  
Well, he should’ve at least asked me.

DEE  
[immediately]   
He has!  Anyway, when did you become Mac’s emergency contact?

DENNIS  
You see, Dee, when you live with someone as many years as me and Mac have, you develop a deeply woven trust, which--  
[scoffs]   
\--you would know nothing about because you’re a lonely old spinster. Anyway, Mac trusts me with his life, and in turn, I trust him with mine.  Is that the best decision?  Maybe not, most _likely_ not, but I wouldn’t trust Frank,--   
[nods in vague direction]  
\--Charlie, or you for that matter with this precious cargo.

DEE  
Whatever, I’m already in charge of two dickbrains as it is.

DOCTOR  
[enters looking at clipboard then DEE in the waiting room]   
Ms. Reynolds?

DEE  
Yeah, yeah, that’s me, the woman who’s been reading out-of-date magazines for 2 hours.  Are you here to tell me the idiots are braindead and I need to pull the plug because that’d be the only way to make up for the piss-poor magazine selection here, for God’s sake—

DENNIS  
This National Geographic is two months old.

DEE  
Two months!  How am I supposed to get my up-to-date science news?  The Internet?  What do you think I am, a nerd?

DOCTOR  
[cuts her off at the slight pause before she rants any more]   
Yes, well, your friends are currently recovering from a gastric irrigation, or you might know it as ‘stomach pumping.’

DEE  
Frankly, I don’t like the condescension in your voice, and I would storm right out of here in protest if I didn’t have to give my idiot brother a ride home.

DENNIS looks offended but just rolls his eyes.

DOCTOR  
I’m guessing you wouldn’t like to visit them then.

DEE  
 Are they conscious?

DOCTOR  
If you mean whether or not they’d be able to understand and respond to your yelling, then no.

DEE is stunned into silence.

DOCTOR  
[looks at the clipboard again]   
Ah, Mr. Reynolds?

DEE  
Ya see,--

DENNIS  
Cool it, Dee.  Yes, doctor?

DOCTOR  
Mr. McDonald is conscious and stable; you can visit him if you wish. 

DENNIS  
Thank you.    
[to DEE]  
Excuse me while I fulfill my role as emergency contact, unlike someone else in this waiting room.    
[to DOCTOR]  
Shall we?

DEE glares at DENNIS as he and the DOCTOR walk out of frame.


	14. Chapter 14

[“Pink Devile” plays.]

DENNIS enters MAC’s room where MAC is lightly dozing. DENNIS knocks on the wall beside the door to get his attention.

DENNIS  
Hey, man.

MAC groans.

DENNIS  
How ya feeling?

MAC  
Like shit.   
[squints eyes; tries to block out the sterile, white light of the room; rubs his face]

DENNIS  
No surprise there.  The nurse said your blood alcohol content was nearly .30.

MAC  
Did I kiss anybody?  I don’t remember a goddamn thing.

DENNIS  
No, no kissing. You did manage to, however--  
[breaks out his condescending voice]   
\--harass a poor gentleman, pass out, and vomit on his shirt when we tried to move you.

MAC  
[realization]    
Dude, if you said this plan was foolproof, how come I ended up in the hospital?

DENNIS  
Because it wasn’t my plan that got your ass in the hospital.  You didn’t listen to me!   
[cue arguing over each other]

MAC  
 I did too!  I followed everything you said!

DENNIS  
You did no such thing!    
[tenses shoulders and holds arms out in front of himself]

MAC  
Well, I don’t remember anything, but I know myself and I definitely would not disobey instructions as long as they were foolproof.

DENNIS  
Not knowing yourself is what instigated this shitstorm!  Next time we’re doing it completely my way.  It needs to be completely anonymous--  
[spluttering]   
\--not guys who’ve already given you their number!  Also, less alcohol.  I admit we may have gone a little overboard there.   
[gestures to hospital room]

MAC  
I was actually thinking in place of the plan...that if I were to kiss a guy, it should probably be you.   
[squints eyes conspiratorially]

DENNIS raises his eyebrows and is about to speak when MAC interrupts.

MAC  
Wait, here me out.  We trust each other, right?  I mean, we’re each other’s emergency contacts

DENNIS nods head. Both acknowledge the grave importance of this title.

DENNIS  
So...

MAC  
So, you see, it’s not like you’d take advantage of me, _and_ you’re comfortable enough in your sexuality to do it.

DENNIS  
[briefly thinks it over]  
[proudly]   
You are very right on those two points.    
[nodding]  
Fine, yeah, sure, let’s do it.

MAC  
[panicked]  
What, now?

DENNIS  
Why not?  Shouldn’t _something_ come out of this godawful situation?

MAC  
[convinced]   
Okay.  Got for it then.

 

DENNIS gives MAC a very, very chaste kiss, wrinkling his face in disgust.

DENNIS  
[pulls away]  
God, you taste like shit.   
[wipes mouth]

MAC  
What was that?

DENNIS  
[offended]  
What was what? 

MAC  
That was terrible.  
[hands raised in front of him palms up]  
That was like a grandma kiss or something. Try it again.

DENNIS  
Wha—jus—that was a very gentle, romantic kiss.  
[huffs; rolls eyes]

MAC  
Pffft, about as romantic as kissing your mom.   
[catches himself]   
I mean ‘ _a_ ’ mom, not specifically _your_ mom, you know, because--  
[smiles]   
_\--your_ mom was pretty hot.

DENNIS  
 Just shut up, shut up, so I can do this.

MAC shuts up.

DENNIS gives MAC a five-second smooch.

MAC reaches up for DENNIS’ face and leans forward noticeably just as DENNIS pulls away.

DENNIS  
Shit, man, you _actually_ taste like dirty asshole.   
[wipes mouth again]   
Was that better?   
[not in a flirty way but in a way where he is defending how sexy he thinks he is]

MAC  
Uhuh, well, it was a _very_ impressive kiss, I’ll give you that.

DENNIS  
You enjoyed it?   
[less of a question than just reaffirming what he thinks Mac said]   
Okay, awesome.   
[in an air of finality]   
Gay crisis solved!   
[smiling]

MAC  
No, but…that kiss would’ve impressed anyone, dude.  Gay, straight, or whatever, that was a very sexy kiss, so I think I’ve gotta say not gay.

DENNIS  
You’re saying that I’m just too sexy that even a straight guy would’ve enjoyed that.

MAC  
Exactly.

DENNIS  
[smiles/laughs at his sexual adeptness]    
I can’t argue with that.   
[laughing starts to seem sort of hollow; taps the hospital bed railing]  
Okay, I’ll just be out in the waiting room then.   
[taps railing again and turns to go]

MAC  
Thanks for being such a great friend, Dennis.

DENNIS  
Yeah, man, no problem.   
[smiles; leaves room and shuts the door]  
Shit.

Cut to:  DENNIS sitting next to DEE in the waiting room.

DEE  
Sooo, you’re gay for Mac, huh?

DENNIS  
[defensive]   
Why the _hell_ —

DEE  
You have a--  
[widens her raccoon eyes to make her point]   
\--massive boner right now.

DENNIS purses his lips, shifts in his seat, shifts again, and leaves to go to the bathroom.

DEE  
Yeah, go jack off to your gay crush.

OLD WOMAN  
[looks up from her magazine to comment on DEE’s crassness; in a polite way]   
Could you keep it down?

DEE  
Tell that to him.  
[points toward bathroom]  
Amirite, amirite? Hahah, b _oom_.

OLD WOMAN is disgusted and goes back to reading magazine.

DEE continues reveling in her terrible joke.

[Theme music plays.]

End credits rolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't include another Frank and Charlie chapter! I couldn't think of any more ways to include them that wouldn't feel like it would just drag this 'episode' out. I was thinking of putting a little snippet of them in their shared hospital room talking about how if dieting is going to kill them quicker than if they didn't diet and get in shape, they should just stick to their lifestyles and let chance decide their fate (you can't trust them to do anything correctly, goddammit). That would resolve their story line, but I don't want to write it bc I don't want to write a preachy false moral of their story. After that, the scene would cut to Dennis walking into the waiting room and that scene unfolding.


End file.
